positive thinking is wonderful, as long as it’s not used to put a lid on a can of worms of negative feelings, as i had.

you seem to have come so far so fast, RAGuy, in your acceptance of your situation. much respect to you for that. i know that our degree of acceptance goes up and down, and sometimes we fight it and sometimes we don’t, but after 12 years with RA i find that it’s only been in the last couple of months that i have really begun to face the reality of this illness and the very real possibility… -probability- that this is something i will be dealing with for the rest of my life.

this is my life.

RA is not something for which i can receive an early-release based on good behavior. tried that. it’s not a punishment for various personal failings of mine. although sometimes i still catch myself feeling that way. This disease is not an entity, a being that enjoys causing me pain, even though it can seem that way sometimes. RA is simply a fact of my life. i can accept it or suffer all kinds of unnecessary shit. this is my life.

with this realization comes sorrow and then, eventually a sense of relief almost: ok, now i can stop fighting. i don’t have to spend my precious energy holding a perpetual stance of resistance. i don’t have to feel crushed with disappointment / anger / feeling i’ve failed every time things go on the down-swing. no. when i can remain aware, stay close to the RA, as you so wisely put it, it can’t take me by surprise so easily. I can say “oh. hello. i see you’ve come for another visit. well, come on in.” it is far less stressful and therefore more healing than to see a flare and put your dukes up: “YOU! AGAIN? LEAVE ME THE F**K ALONE! CAN YOU GIVE ME NO PEACE?” That was me, many, many, many times.

thank you for your post. this site is a great help for those of us who are interested in keepin it real. may all of you, all of us, enjoy the good moments that come today. amen.
(suddenly felt like i’d just given a sermon!)

So thank you for sharing your thoughts with us and I hope many others see the joy of the words.. This is MY life.