“By your stumbling, the world is perfected.” –Sri Aurobindo
Rheumatoid Arthritis Guy would love to once again write about what a wonderful day yesterday was, and how he managed to stay one step ahead of his rheumatoid arthritis at all times. But I like to keep it real here on my blog, so I will start by sharing a little bit about my afternoon yesterday, during which I had a small (figurative) stumble.
Sometimes I think that I have encountered every issue that is related to my living with chronic illness and disability, but every now and them I am reminded otherwise. Yesterday’s emotions were sparked by the fact that I had a phone interview early in the evening. While I have spent the past few years consulting for various companies remotely from the comfort of my home office, this lead might actually require me to go into the office in person.
And realizing this made me nervous.
If I am called in for an onsite interview, will I use my crutches or not? I felt slightly ashamed of myself as one of my promises to myself since the onset of this illness has been that I would always be proud of whatever mobility aids I might need to use. What if my hands and wrists are really bad? What if this…? What if that…? And the list of questions in my head continued to grow.
Even though all of the previous people I have worked with and for during the past few years have known that I have rheumatoid arthritis, that was before the serious progression of my rheumatoid arthritis that took place in my body this year.
So instead of looking at the positive, instead of reminding myself of all of the things which I continue to remain capable of doing, I started to feel sorry for myself.
I felt sorry for myself because my hands were hurting.
I felt sorry for myself because my left ankle was hurting.
I felt sorry for myself because the thought of going into an office was more than I could take at the moment.
And within a span of just a few minutes, I had a second endless list growing in my mind. I had no idea what to do. This was different from the intense anxiety attacks that I continue to face every now and then. Instead, this just felt like a landslide…the ground beneath my feet just kept on shifting and would not stop.
In the end though, I made it stop (add another superpower to my list…now that’s a list I wouldn’t mind to see continue growing!)
I stopped my sitting and sulking, and walked into my home office. I started a small list of things-to-do. I downloaded photos from my camera to my computer. I backed up files from both laptops onto both external hard drives. I converted a word document to a pdf file for my mothers. I updated my ipod. I filed some papers that were sitting on my desk. I put away the new pile of books that had just arrived from Amazon. All the items on my list were complete!
And within a few minutes, I had completely forgotten about my fears, about feeling sorry for myself, about thoughts of what I might not be able to do. Instead, I was in my home office, busy as a bee and perfectly capable of taking on any job that might come my way.
An hour later I had a wonderful phone interview. I have no idea if I will get a callback for not, but for me the biggest achievement of the day was telling myself that if I needed to go into the office, even with my crutches, that I would be ready.
So in closing, I can honestly share with my readers that yesterday was indeed another good day, stumble and all!
Stay tuned…for the next adventure of Rheumatoid Arthritis Guy!