If I Were A Car

RA Guy Adventures of RA Guy

Cars MaterRheumatoid Arthritis Guy loves listening to the “Car Talk” podcast every weekend. I must admit that in general I am not too into cars (I don’t own one myself). I have never been into “The Fast and the Furious”, and I probably never will be. (Pixar’s “Cars” is much more my thing.)  But still, there is something about listening to Tom and Ray try to diagnose car problems during call after call that makes me more interested in cars than I would normally be otherwise.

As I rode to physical therapy yesterday afternoon, with my crutches in tow (yes, my crutches came back out yesterday…earlier in the day I started to lose the use of my left ankle), in the back seat of a taxi being driven by a man who thought he was a racecar driver, I started to think of all the car commercials I have seen which highlight the fact that Car X can go from 0 to 60 in two and a half seconds (or something like that).

And then it hit me.

I was sort of like one of these cars…except in my case, I can go from 60 to 0 in what seems like only two and a half seconds.

So in true Rheumatoid Arthritis Guy style, I decided that I needed to have some fun with my rheumatoid arthritis. (If you are a new reader, this usually means that I am going through a rough patch.)

If I were a car…I would spend hours each day in the shop. All of the mechanics would know me on a first-name basis, and would have my service record memorized in their heads.

If I were a car…my windshield spray nozzle would turn on at the weirdest times.

If I were a car…I would be able to pump in endless amounts of gasoline into my fuel tank, and my fuel gauge would still be on empty. (Don’t even get me started on my miles-per-gallon rating!)

If I were a car…I would need a remote control starter on cold and rainy mornings.

If I were a car…my wheels would continually go flat. (Sometimes, they would all go flat at the exact same time.)

If I were a car…sometimes my windshield would get fogged up, making it difficult to look down the road.

If I were a car…my shock absorbers would be shot and my door hinges would squeak. My hub caps would be twisted out of shape.

If I were a car…my tow truck driver would be on speed dial.

If I were a car…the anti-theft protection system would for some unknown reason turn against me. I’d often have episodes where it seems like the blaring alarm will never stop.

If I were a car…I’d pull in for a break at every rest stop.

If I were a car…I’d continually hear “but you have too few miles to be breaking down so frequently!”

If I were a car…I’d enjoy life in the slow lane.

In the past I often used to wish for a trade-in…but not any more. I’ve gotten used to this car, and I sort of like it!

(By the way, when I saw Pixar’s “Cars” my favorite character was rusty old tow truck Mater. I found his character to be much more interesting than sleek and shiny and Lightening McQueen. Go figure.)

Stay tuned…for the next adventure of Rheumatoid Arthritis Guy!


Update: I just saw this morning’s headline, so I have to add one one more item to my list.

If I were a car…Congress would be rushing to pass legistation that helps me. (Cash for Clunkers)

If I were a person…Congress would be delaying all attempts to pass legislation that helps me. (Health Care Reform)