I woke up crying today.
It used to be that I could alleviate some of the pain by staying still…but today, the exact opposite seems to hold true.
It hurts to sit down. It hurts to stand up. It hurts to lay down. Pressing my forearms down on a tabletop, placing all of my weight on my right leg, and dangling my left leg does seem to provide a little bit of relief. (What this position could be called, I have no clue!)
Earlier today, I wasn’t even able to walk the few meters from my bedroom to my bathroom. I had to resort to peeing in a jar.
A few hours later, I eventually did make it to the bathroom, and into nice, hot bathtub…but I struggled to get back out. I was not able to towel dry myself, so I had to ask for help. Part of me still tried to get dressed on my own, but I quickly realized how futile the situation was. My husband asked if I needed help, and I accepted without skipping a beat.
I wish there was something that could magically take away all this pain. (I even found myself thinking that I would forever give up my ability to move and walk, if it meant a final end to all the pain.) But I’m not going to sell myself short. I’m not going to wait around wishing for what “might” happen. I’m going to continue to figure out what works. I’ve already found a little rhythm that seems to be helping at the moment. Stand for a minute or two. Walk for a minute or two. Sit down for a minute or two. Lean against desk for a minute or two.
I’m going to accept my current limitations. I’m going to accept the presence of all of this pain. I’m going to do what I need to do in order to get through this.
But I’m not going to lose hope.
Stay tuned…for the next adventure of Rheumatoid Arthritis Guy!