Every now and then, I stop everything I am doing and suddenly realize exactly how much pain I am actually experiencing. Today was one of those days. Maybe it was because my physical therapy session this afternoon was twice its usual length, or maybe it was because my physical therapist asked me to come in three times a week for the next couple of weeks in hopes of decreasing the intense inflammation that is once again spreading through all my joints. But that one drop of pain dripped off the faucet, and things once again felt like they were spilling over.
In the matter of a handful of minutes, I had the beginning of an anxiety attack. Three times. Just when I thought it was passing, it seemed to come back. Having my hands, knees, and ankles simultaneously hooked up to electrotherapy machines did not necessarily help…although it was not necessarily feelings of claustrophobia that I was experiencing…instead, it was the realization of just how bad the pain actually was.
I have noticed over the past year that my pain thresholds have increased dramatically. I have come to think of numbness as sort of a protection mechanism. I have often had that feeling when I know that I am in tons of pain, but I cannot actually feel the pain. All of this is fine and dandy, but what it means to me at the moment is that once the pain finally registers, it has already shot off the charts.
I used to wonder if I erected mental barriers against the pain. Maybe that used to be the case. (Actually, that probably was the case.) During the past few months I have often found myself embracing and connecting with my pain, so I don’t think this is the reason for the sudden overflow of pain. Embrace my pain? Sounds odd, I know…but for years I have tried to escape my pain, and that only seemed to make things worse. Embracing my pain doesn’t make the pain go away, but it does make things much more manageable.
And during the last month, as I have returned to work for the first time in a long time, I have realized that there is a lot to be said for the “management” of my illness. If asked, I wouldn’t necessarily say that these past few weeks have been particularly difficult or particularly easy. I used to apply these labels to the ease with which I could or could not do things, but I no longer find them to be as useful. Instead, I like to think that I am “managing” as best as I can…and that I am continually looking for ways to “manage” things better…and while I’m at it, I might as well try to have some fun!
Sleeping in during a particularly rough morning. Check. No guilt. Double check. Except for Wednesday mornings, when I have to go in early for office hours. One day a week. I can manage that. Super extended afternoon naps from which I must be woken up before I sleep on through to the next morning. Check. Having to teach class five days a week at noon? Only a few weeks ago the thought of committing to this absolutely terrified me, contrary to what I may have written here on my blog…but the surprising thing is the thought of having class the next day gives me something to look forward to. Dealing with the ups and downs associated with teaching a college class is actually a welcome break from the monotony of chronic pain.
But I continue to learn that if I translate my fears of a distant and unknown future into pleasant thoughts for today, everything will be okay. Even if it seems like rheumatoid arthritis is pulling us back, it’s important to know that we continue to move forward.
Stay tuned…for the next adventure of Rheumatoid Arthritis Guy!
My Bum Thumb
Understanding and Living with Rheumatoid Arthritis
Cari Elliott is a sophomore Mass Media student at Henderson State University in Arkadelphia, Arkansas. She loves to write, even when her hands (and her bum thumb) do not. After obtaining her degree, Cari hopes to become an author, preferably of science fiction and fantasy novels, but she would be happy writing about anything. Cari played the snare drum in her high school’s marching band, but has since then hung up her sticks due to the RA. While Cari isn’t writing, she can be found scrap-booking, painting, playing video games, jamming to some rock ‘n’ roll tunes, and spending time with her family, friends, and boyfriend, who encourage her to live life to the fullest, despite her disease.
Cari hopes to learn about everything and anything, travel everywhere, meet many people of many cultures, learn several languages, and experience everything life has to offer. And no silly disease can stop her.
This bum thumb used to not be so bum. While it is currently on the mend, the bum thumb prefers taking naps in it’s little splint bed, taking long baths, and relaxing all day. On better days, the bum thumb likes to let Cari write. But it’s a very picky thumb. xD
Read More: http://mybumthumb.wordpress.com/
The Single Gal’s Guide To Rheumatoid Arthritis: My ‘Other’ Life
Another great post and comic strip by Sara from The Single Gal’s Guide to Rheumatoid Arthritis can be found at MyRACentral.com.
It’s three o’clock in the morning, and I just got home from a social outing with my new coworkers. The evening was fun…not only am I getting to know the people that I work with a little bit better, but I am also celebrating the fact that my cold of ten days is finally tapering down. (Let’s hear it for immunosuppresants!)
I marveled in my ability to actually dance, even though my knees are once again being slightly affected by my rheumatoid arthritis. The last time I went dancing was a few months ago. To be honest, I felt a little awkward dancing with my crutches that evening a while back…but I did have fun that night, and in the end that is what matters most. While I was not using my crutches this evening, I did have the sense that they *might* once again be coming out of their corner in the vestibule sometime soon.
During the evening I spoke with another professor in my department, and opened up a little bit about the fact that I live with rheumatoid arthritis. I’ve had a relatively good past couple of weeks (despite my cold), but over the past couple of days I’ve noticed that pervasive pain returning to all of the joints in my body. I guess my need to bring up this topic was somewhat preemptive….I’d rather explain the presence of a cane or crutches now, ahead of time, instead of when I am “in the weeds” (as chefs would say).
Even though I had expected the receive a supportive response, I was still surprised with how overwhelmingly supportive the response was. To sum it up in a few words, I was told that if I ever did have a day where I was not able to make it to campus, one of the other professors in the department would happily fill in for me.
And while deep down inside I hope to not reach such a point, I do find a lot of comfort in knowing that if I do have a really bad day, my colleagues are willing to step up and help me.
Speaking about disability in the workplace is always a sensitive topic, and I don’t think that there is a simple answer for how it should or should not be done…but I am learning, firsthand, that in my situation being open about it is only helping me to feel more confident about this recent commitment that I have made.
Stay tuned…for the next adventure of Rheumatoid Arthritis Guy!
LivingRheum: Value In Stillness
I sat with that thought for a while. Maybe I needed to stop fighting the stillness and just for a while embrace it.
So I did.
Read More: http://www.livingrheum.com/2010/02/15/rheumatoid-arthritis-value-in-stillness/
A few months ago I too stopped fighting against the moments of physical stillness that were outside of my control, and started using them as moments to look inside of myself. I really appreciate how eloquently this step of acceptance was described in LivingRheum’s post.
Rheumatoid Arthritis Guy is in day four of a cold. Day 1: sore throat. Day 2: congested head. Day 3: sneezing. Day 4: coughing. While most of South America is tossing water balloons, wrapping themselves with streamers, and partying late into the night (Carnival celebrations started this past Thursday and last until this coming Tuesday), I find myself in bed nursing this cold.
Last night, I found myself watching the first night’s coverage of the Winter Olympics. All I can say is one word: ouch! All of that white snow and freezing temperatures was so frightening, that I had to cover all of my joints so that they couldn’t see the television screen. (Think: little children at a horror flick.) Then they started showing some preliminary ski jumps. Everytime the skier landed back on the ground, I could not help from feeling a wave of pain pass through my body…just the thought of landing on my feet from that height made me shudder. (Hey, what can I say? Swinging my feet over the side of the bed and dropping them a few inches onto the ground is often painful enough!)
As many of us now know, one arm of the indoor torch/cauldron contraption did not work as expected…leaving the torch bearers to wait and wait as the music played on. Finally, the producers decided to proceed with only three of the four arms. News of this mishap immediately started spreading around the web. Twitter had #torchfail. Articles reported the hydraulic problem. Television commentators started talking about how the “real” cauldron lighting was still to come.
Just when it was most important for everything to function without a hitch, something critical did not want to move into place.
Deep down inside, I chuckled slightly. Living with rheumatoid arthritis, I know this feeling all to well. I have my torch fails on a frequent basis. While they are not broadcast to a worldwide audience, in the end I end up having to do the same that they did in Vancouver last night: accept that it’s not going to work at this moment, and do my best to continue moving forward.
Stay tuned…for the next adventure of Rheumatoid Arthritis Guy!
Over the past few days I received quite a few emails from different people, asking me how I was doing (as I had not posted in a few days). I really appreciate this outpouring of concern and support!
In a previous post, I had mentioned that I was going to lower the pace of my blogging due to numerous reasons…so this is part of the reason why readers might not have seen many posts from me last week as they are accustomed to…but there’s more to the story.
To be honest, I am once again in the middle of a flare. My feet/ankles and hands/wrists are taking a beating, and every now and then my RA decides to pay a visit to a knee or an elbow or a shoulder. Early last week, I once again returned to the health clinic for an anti-inflammatory injection. Two days later, when things got worse (I usually get better two days after one of these shots), I returned for another injection. I am currently two days past this last injection, and am hoping that there is indeed a bigger improvement.
I’ve been trying to break away from the habit of labeling certain pain episodes as “the worst ever” (even though they would certainly qualify) because I don’t think it helps me move through these rough times. What I do try to do, though, is try to think about how long it’s been since my RA has been this active. (November.) This little mental activity allows me to more accurately asses my current pain, and also reminds me that I have been through this before and will get through it again.
This flare, however, is not the reason why I did not post much this last week.
A few months ago, at the beginning of September, I committed to taking a foreign language class at one of the local universities. The course met three times a week, and even though it was something I was definitely interested in, I was slightly hesitant at the thought of being able to actually attend something of this nature while living with rheumatoid arthritis that seems to peak on a frequent basis.
In the end, I proved that I was able to do even more than I had expected, despite my pain and disability.
The reason why I did not write much this past week, and why I will not be writing as much in the near future, is that I am once again going back to class in a couple of days. Unlike last semester, where I attended three times a week, this semester I will be attending five times a week. (Gulp!)
There is also one other major difference that I would like to share. This time around, I won’t be sitting in the classroom, taking notes…I will be standing up (as much as my RA allows me to) in front of the classroom, teaching the class! I will be teaching the Advanced English course at one of the local universities, with the possibility of teaching more design-related classes in the future.
So while my syllabus is complete and the course website is set up, I still have a lot of work to do – much more than I have had during the past year (discounting all the work and effort that was required to bring my rheumatoid arthritis under some semblance of control, of course). Am I (once again?) slightly hesitant with this commitment that I have made? Yes. I also have no doubt, however, that a few months down the road I will once again be able to look back and smile at what I was able to accomplish.
Stay tuned…for the next adventure of Rheumatoid Arthritis Guy!
Earlier today, a good friend asked for a “pick-me-up”. I turned to today’s date in Revelations: Latin American Wisdom for Every Day
A festive crowd at carnival in Salvador da Bahia, Brazil.A passing sound.
The fleeting sound of a profound miracle.
I am, of course, more than the mysterious flesh
in which someone once bought me into the world.-David Escobar Galindo
Stay tuned…for the next adventure of Rheumatoid Arthritis Guy!
